I'm at such a good place in life, and the final piece of perspective seems to be settling into place.
But...
I still am so impatient. I don't want to wait to see what is gonna happen. I don't want to take it one day at a time. I want to know. I feel like I can be patient on the journey, I can wait for YEARS to have what I want if I must, but if only I could KNOW what the outcome will be. If only I could know; know that the journey I am on will take me in the right direction, that the choices I am making are not the same mistakes of the past. If a little bird could alight on my shoulder and whisper to me that my choices now are better. That they are going to give me the results that I want. That I am finally getting it, taking control of my destiny and that my steps are sure.
I am happy. I know that I have removed the drama from my life that sucks my spirit from me and steals my passion. I know that I am strong, that I am amazing, and that I make better choices when I remove myself from those situations and relationships that compromise who I am.
I just don't want to wait to know that the positive steps I am taking are in the right direction. And yes, I know that the journey is on the right path, I just want to know the quickest way to my heart's desire. Is it really too much to ask?
Friday, September 3, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Confusion, afraid of what I can create
What a great day. Melly, Bill, Kara and Dave came over for dinner. I made a creole tilapia, brussels sprouts, and a fresh quinoa salad that was to die for. And we had so much fun. It felt so good to laugh and have good company. And it was my first dinner party in this apartment.
I feel weird tonight. I am so aware of the energy I have sent out to the universe as of late, and of the response that I got, which I never really would have expected. And it scares me. I don't know what to do with the situations that have arisen. Maybe its nothing, but maybe it is something. But it is real. And it is what I asked for, at least in a round about way.
I never know of what I am more afraid; not having what I want, or having absolutely everything I ask for. Either way, it is overwhelming.
I feel weird tonight. I am so aware of the energy I have sent out to the universe as of late, and of the response that I got, which I never really would have expected. And it scares me. I don't know what to do with the situations that have arisen. Maybe its nothing, but maybe it is something. But it is real. And it is what I asked for, at least in a round about way.
I never know of what I am more afraid; not having what I want, or having absolutely everything I ask for. Either way, it is overwhelming.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Time flies....
Had a great little weekend getaway with Jeanie and Julian. It was very relaxing. Julian found kids to play with. I had a rough time sleeping - half sleeping and half hallucinating. I'm tired. But it was nice to be outdoors.
And tomorrow morning, my precious little boy starts 5th grade. I love watching him grow and mature, but I'm feeling the nostalgia of how fast time passes when you have a child. We are both nervous - and although I'm not showing it, I think I'm more so than him, but I can't believe that I next year will be the last year he has a new school year at an elementary school! Where did the time go.
To the universe - thank you for blessing my life with this amazing soul. Thank you for giving him to me to love and cherish and protect. He teaches me more than anyone else, and raising him is the best learning experience of my life. Thank you for giving us an amazing bond, and for letting me have someone who is so loving, compassionate and close to me. I am weak, and always feel like I am barely getting by, but he is my rock, and I am so grateful that I get to be his mom.
And tomorrow morning, my precious little boy starts 5th grade. I love watching him grow and mature, but I'm feeling the nostalgia of how fast time passes when you have a child. We are both nervous - and although I'm not showing it, I think I'm more so than him, but I can't believe that I next year will be the last year he has a new school year at an elementary school! Where did the time go.
To the universe - thank you for blessing my life with this amazing soul. Thank you for giving him to me to love and cherish and protect. He teaches me more than anyone else, and raising him is the best learning experience of my life. Thank you for giving us an amazing bond, and for letting me have someone who is so loving, compassionate and close to me. I am weak, and always feel like I am barely getting by, but he is my rock, and I am so grateful that I get to be his mom.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
To my friends
I hope my post yesterday did not imply that I do not have other amazing, loving and wonderful friends. I am so blessed with how much love I have in my life. I was just caught off guard by being sought out by someone of whom I have thought of many times in the recent years past. I guess I tend to think that some people don't feel that I am as important to them as they are to me. And in a time when I have been struggling to find the balance between feeling lonely, abandoned and unworthy of friends (even though I am the one that pushes people away, usually) and figuring out what I want my "social life" to look like, it felt really good to know that someone cared enough to put effort into finding me. I think that is the single most flattering compliment I can receive - the gift of someone's time and energy. So this meant a lot to me. Not only that, but there were things said - really sweet, but genuine things - that could only be said by this person, because the nature of our friendship is such that it doesn't feel like sweet talk or flattery. There is no hidden agenda, but the words are some that any person would want to hear.
I was also blown away about the process that led to this connection, and how spiritual it was for me, because (to me), it validated my own personal beliefs about spirituality, a "greater power", and the great unconscious energy that binds us all. It is really complicated for me to try to explain my beliefs, and so it is really powerful for me to have an experience that manifests my belief system.
But, as I read my post today, it struck me that I seemed overly enthusiastic about this connection. I don't mean anyone any offense. This is a very unique relationship for me, because it comes very naturally and easily. And it is a connection with a male, which have historically been my biggest connections (it is only in the very recent past that I maintained friendships with women - they are difficult for me). This relationship is not one that has ever had drama or misunderstandings or unrealistic expectations. But mostly, it just blew me away and made me feel amazing to know that this person actually missed me and had put time and energy (many times, just as I had done) to find me. It is the kind of reciprocity that is at the heart of meaningful relationships, but to have it appear after so long just made it that much more powerful and overwhelming.
Thank you to all my friends (even though only two of you are reading this!) for all your love and support and energy and time. It means the world to me. I don't know where I would have ended up this year without that love. It has been a trying year for sure, but is leading to a renewal of my love affair with me, and when that relationship is strong, so are all my others.
Love,
Joan
I was also blown away about the process that led to this connection, and how spiritual it was for me, because (to me), it validated my own personal beliefs about spirituality, a "greater power", and the great unconscious energy that binds us all. It is really complicated for me to try to explain my beliefs, and so it is really powerful for me to have an experience that manifests my belief system.
But, as I read my post today, it struck me that I seemed overly enthusiastic about this connection. I don't mean anyone any offense. This is a very unique relationship for me, because it comes very naturally and easily. And it is a connection with a male, which have historically been my biggest connections (it is only in the very recent past that I maintained friendships with women - they are difficult for me). This relationship is not one that has ever had drama or misunderstandings or unrealistic expectations. But mostly, it just blew me away and made me feel amazing to know that this person actually missed me and had put time and energy (many times, just as I had done) to find me. It is the kind of reciprocity that is at the heart of meaningful relationships, but to have it appear after so long just made it that much more powerful and overwhelming.
Thank you to all my friends (even though only two of you are reading this!) for all your love and support and energy and time. It means the world to me. I don't know where I would have ended up this year without that love. It has been a trying year for sure, but is leading to a renewal of my love affair with me, and when that relationship is strong, so are all my others.
Love,
Joan
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Meaning Something to Someone, and the Greater Unconsciousness
So, there is an old friend I lost touch with about five years ago (not sure exactly when, but it was some time before I got with Dayn). This is someone with whom I just click. Not someone I ever spent oodles of time with. But the kind of person who really understands me so well that when I'm confused, he knows where I stand. NO ISSUES - even when one of us says something the other one doesn't completely understand, we just ask the other and get an explanation. This friend is one of people I always felt completely and totally myself around.
So, I've thought of him over the years. Wondered what he was doing, where he ended up. How his son was doing. But I didn't know how to get in touch with him. He never has been a computer/email person. He lived with his mother, and I couldn't remember her last name (she had remarried). So, the years passed, and I would think of him. I missed him.
About two or three weeks ago, when I finished unpacking, I found an old day planner. Lo and behold, inside it was his name, and not a phone number, but an address which I knew to be his mom's. So I wrote him a letter, basically just saying hi and that I would love to hear from him, and my contact info. To get in touch if he was so inclined, and if not, that I hope he was healthy, happy and doing well in the world. I signed it, sealed it, addressed the envelope, and sat it on my printer where it remained untouched (until today - but I never sent it). Several times I thought that I should send it, but never did. I figured I would sometime, but as usual, I over-analyzed the situation - I didn't know where he was or what he was doing. No reason to even think the letter would even reach him. But I thought about him, and how I wished we hadn't lost touch.
Last week, a mutual friend found me on Facebook. I was excited to hear from her, she called, and we talked about how we need to get together. I was fairly certain that she was no longer in touch with this other friend, but in the back of my head I made a mental note to ask her sometime. Just in case.
Tonight, I am relaxing, waiting for a replacement washer to be delivered (my other one sprung a leak - with about 10 days left on the warranty). The phone rang; caller ID said "cell phone", so I assumed it was the guys who were delivering the appliance. A male voice said, "Is Joan there?" I said I was she, and he asked, "Joan? Joan Hutchings?" I confirmed that it was me, and he identified himself. I could not have been more shocked. And of course, I immediately thought that he must have found me through our mutual friend, the one who I reconnected with on Facebook last week. But that wasn't the case at all. He has been trying to find me for years, and just happened to call information tonight.
I usually am unlisted. I haven't had a home phone for years, so I didn't really think about it when I got the new service. As an afterthought, maybe a month ago, I thought that I should call and get the number unlisted, then realized there was no real reason to do so, so I let it go.
I have this incredibly memory for faces and names. I often see people from my childhood. But I always think they won't remember me. I think it would be awkward to approach them and not be remembered. I never doubted he would remember me, but I never dreamed that he would miss me and search for me.
I'm in this weird place in life, on the precipice of wanting to withdraw from the world, and lamenting the loss of friendships past. But also a place of remembering who I am. I'm in a place of wanting to be authentic and genuine, and feeling like no one really gets me. I don't fit it, and I never have, but I have had people around that got me to some degree. I haven't felt that lately. It's been lonely. But he gets me. He just understands and relates and we are a lot alike. Of anyone that might find me, there is no one I can think of that I would rather have find me. And he really tried. He even asked his nephew to show him how to use social networking sites to try to find me - and he does not use computers! He put time and effort into finding me! I meant something to someone who meant something to me.
I can't tell you how amazing it feels to know that someone thought about me as much as I thought about them. To know that he put in as much effort to locate me as I did to locate him. To know that all this time, someone out there thought of me, wondered about me, and remembered ME - the me that I am, not the me that has been muddled. I feel so NOT alone - just to be thought of.
So I'm struck by the connections that happened here, and by the fact that although I do not believe in fate, per se, how my belief system seems to be in play here. My ideas of the "greater power" in the universe is not that of a single omnipotent being, but rather of a connection of energy, and of not a greater consciousness, but a greater UNconsciousness. This instance makes me ponder. I realize it could be just a great coincidence, but I put the energy out there. I wrote a letter to him, not three weeks ago. I connected to a mutual friend and thought about him. And there he was, calling me. It is powerful to me. It is important. It feels so good that I am not alone - which I know, but this feels significant.
I'm still in shock. So surprised. And so, so happy to have reconnected to this dear, dear friend. It was amazing to see myself reflected in the things he KNOWS about me. He was so shocked to learn I had married (but not that I had divorced). He knew after hearing just a few details about the relationship leading up to the nuptials that it wasn't right for me. He could tell me why he thought I had made some of the life choices I had made in recent years, and he was dead on. He knows me, and it feels so amazing to be known, and to know that I cannot hide. But it is not scary to me. It is comforting. Our friendship was that which is so unusual - it was (is) truly easy. No front, no pretense. Just two people who can be themselves and good, bad, ugly and awesome, we just are who we are. We get each other and have love and respect for those qualities in one another.
Anyway, I am processing this all. I needed to write it out. I'm listening to music. I'm reconnecting to myself, because this person is connected and tuned in to me, and he searched me out. I know people love and care about me, but relationships are hard for me; they frighten me. So much pain and fear. But not now. I am just me, and someone remembered, and cared in the way I most need. Just by reaching out. And making the effort to connect with me.
So, I've thought of him over the years. Wondered what he was doing, where he ended up. How his son was doing. But I didn't know how to get in touch with him. He never has been a computer/email person. He lived with his mother, and I couldn't remember her last name (she had remarried). So, the years passed, and I would think of him. I missed him.
About two or three weeks ago, when I finished unpacking, I found an old day planner. Lo and behold, inside it was his name, and not a phone number, but an address which I knew to be his mom's. So I wrote him a letter, basically just saying hi and that I would love to hear from him, and my contact info. To get in touch if he was so inclined, and if not, that I hope he was healthy, happy and doing well in the world. I signed it, sealed it, addressed the envelope, and sat it on my printer where it remained untouched (until today - but I never sent it). Several times I thought that I should send it, but never did. I figured I would sometime, but as usual, I over-analyzed the situation - I didn't know where he was or what he was doing. No reason to even think the letter would even reach him. But I thought about him, and how I wished we hadn't lost touch.
Last week, a mutual friend found me on Facebook. I was excited to hear from her, she called, and we talked about how we need to get together. I was fairly certain that she was no longer in touch with this other friend, but in the back of my head I made a mental note to ask her sometime. Just in case.
Tonight, I am relaxing, waiting for a replacement washer to be delivered (my other one sprung a leak - with about 10 days left on the warranty). The phone rang; caller ID said "cell phone", so I assumed it was the guys who were delivering the appliance. A male voice said, "Is Joan there?" I said I was she, and he asked, "Joan? Joan Hutchings?" I confirmed that it was me, and he identified himself. I could not have been more shocked. And of course, I immediately thought that he must have found me through our mutual friend, the one who I reconnected with on Facebook last week. But that wasn't the case at all. He has been trying to find me for years, and just happened to call information tonight.
I usually am unlisted. I haven't had a home phone for years, so I didn't really think about it when I got the new service. As an afterthought, maybe a month ago, I thought that I should call and get the number unlisted, then realized there was no real reason to do so, so I let it go.
I have this incredibly memory for faces and names. I often see people from my childhood. But I always think they won't remember me. I think it would be awkward to approach them and not be remembered. I never doubted he would remember me, but I never dreamed that he would miss me and search for me.
I'm in this weird place in life, on the precipice of wanting to withdraw from the world, and lamenting the loss of friendships past. But also a place of remembering who I am. I'm in a place of wanting to be authentic and genuine, and feeling like no one really gets me. I don't fit it, and I never have, but I have had people around that got me to some degree. I haven't felt that lately. It's been lonely. But he gets me. He just understands and relates and we are a lot alike. Of anyone that might find me, there is no one I can think of that I would rather have find me. And he really tried. He even asked his nephew to show him how to use social networking sites to try to find me - and he does not use computers! He put time and effort into finding me! I meant something to someone who meant something to me.
I can't tell you how amazing it feels to know that someone thought about me as much as I thought about them. To know that he put in as much effort to locate me as I did to locate him. To know that all this time, someone out there thought of me, wondered about me, and remembered ME - the me that I am, not the me that has been muddled. I feel so NOT alone - just to be thought of.
So I'm struck by the connections that happened here, and by the fact that although I do not believe in fate, per se, how my belief system seems to be in play here. My ideas of the "greater power" in the universe is not that of a single omnipotent being, but rather of a connection of energy, and of not a greater consciousness, but a greater UNconsciousness. This instance makes me ponder. I realize it could be just a great coincidence, but I put the energy out there. I wrote a letter to him, not three weeks ago. I connected to a mutual friend and thought about him. And there he was, calling me. It is powerful to me. It is important. It feels so good that I am not alone - which I know, but this feels significant.
I'm still in shock. So surprised. And so, so happy to have reconnected to this dear, dear friend. It was amazing to see myself reflected in the things he KNOWS about me. He was so shocked to learn I had married (but not that I had divorced). He knew after hearing just a few details about the relationship leading up to the nuptials that it wasn't right for me. He could tell me why he thought I had made some of the life choices I had made in recent years, and he was dead on. He knows me, and it feels so amazing to be known, and to know that I cannot hide. But it is not scary to me. It is comforting. Our friendship was that which is so unusual - it was (is) truly easy. No front, no pretense. Just two people who can be themselves and good, bad, ugly and awesome, we just are who we are. We get each other and have love and respect for those qualities in one another.
Anyway, I am processing this all. I needed to write it out. I'm listening to music. I'm reconnecting to myself, because this person is connected and tuned in to me, and he searched me out. I know people love and care about me, but relationships are hard for me; they frighten me. So much pain and fear. But not now. I am just me, and someone remembered, and cared in the way I most need. Just by reaching out. And making the effort to connect with me.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Hi, I'd like to introduce myself....
Hi! I'm Joan. Many of you think you know me, but there is a tiny mistake in that. The fact is, I haven't been me for a really, really long time. I have been so consumed by the negativity that surrounded me that I haven't been this me in years. Oh sure, I won't seem like a total stranger next time you see me, but if you spend some time with me, you may notice a few things different. You may see someone who is strong, independent and who FEELS that way, too. Someone who is fun and funny, and more aware of the good in life than the bad.
Stress levels: low. Sure, I'm still a single mom, working full time and going to school. My new apartment is still not unpacked. Come fall semester, I will be only one credit hour shy of full time student status. I have lost a lot this year, but those losses were only things that were separating myself from who I am. I have a major lack of child care providers, so I am lacking in adult stimulation, but it also may help me get over this damn social anxiety I have been struggling with. Someone with whom I have connections on a personal level contacted me today asking that we be friends, and that didn't petrify me! I am financially challenged - it costs a lot of money to raise a child on your own with no support. But who cares? I have a home that I enjoy living in, and many comforts.
Self-confidence: still waivering, but not bottom of the barrel. I need to lose weight, and it is so much more expensive to eat healthy than to buy cheap, processed carbohydrates in a box. But I am pretty healthy overall. Met my new doctor today and love her! She is my same age - so she really related to what I am going through and listened to what I had to tell her. I pulled out my scale, and am going to start tracking my weight so I am having some accountability for my eating choices. I don't live by the scale but when you have as much weight to lose as I do, pounds are motivational. I am not ugly, and 40 is going to be my new 20.
Goals: ugh. Love-hate relationship with goals. I have a hard time setting short term goals, and long term goals can be unfulfilling as they are so far away. But I'm setting a couple of goals: drink 64 oz. of water a day, read the "crack the fat-loss code" book I bought, get A's in my two classes this semester, make some new friends, and hang out with some old ones. I can do it.
Life: I love life. It is draining being around people who don't. And I have been around so many people who are miserable for so many years. It is amazing how quickly my whole outlook on life changed once I got the toxic people out of my life. I am choosing love. I want to celebrate every day. I want to express gratitude. I want personal growth. I have so much to live for!
Love: I got the best kid that ever lived anywhere in any time. He is amazing. I have a lot of people who choose to love me, not because our DNA is similar, but because they want to. What can compare to that? As far as romance, I think my failed marriage taught me that although I know I deserve someone amazing, I have a bad habit of making excuses for people so that they don't give me what I need. My standards are pretty high at this point. I won't settle again. But I'm more healthy about relationships than I was before I got married, so that is pretty awesome. I choose to make love the driving force behind everything I do. I chose to love, and I choose to be loved. No one has to love me. But if you don't, please get out of the way, or you will be knocked down. I am, for the first time in so long I can't remember, ME. The me I used to be. The me that makes people want to be around and have fun. I like it.
Thanks to all who loved me even when I wasn't feeling myself. I owe this happiness to your love and patience. And I can't wait to spend time with you and see how ya like me now!!!
Stress levels: low. Sure, I'm still a single mom, working full time and going to school. My new apartment is still not unpacked. Come fall semester, I will be only one credit hour shy of full time student status. I have lost a lot this year, but those losses were only things that were separating myself from who I am. I have a major lack of child care providers, so I am lacking in adult stimulation, but it also may help me get over this damn social anxiety I have been struggling with. Someone with whom I have connections on a personal level contacted me today asking that we be friends, and that didn't petrify me! I am financially challenged - it costs a lot of money to raise a child on your own with no support. But who cares? I have a home that I enjoy living in, and many comforts.
Self-confidence: still waivering, but not bottom of the barrel. I need to lose weight, and it is so much more expensive to eat healthy than to buy cheap, processed carbohydrates in a box. But I am pretty healthy overall. Met my new doctor today and love her! She is my same age - so she really related to what I am going through and listened to what I had to tell her. I pulled out my scale, and am going to start tracking my weight so I am having some accountability for my eating choices. I don't live by the scale but when you have as much weight to lose as I do, pounds are motivational. I am not ugly, and 40 is going to be my new 20.
Goals: ugh. Love-hate relationship with goals. I have a hard time setting short term goals, and long term goals can be unfulfilling as they are so far away. But I'm setting a couple of goals: drink 64 oz. of water a day, read the "crack the fat-loss code" book I bought, get A's in my two classes this semester, make some new friends, and hang out with some old ones. I can do it.
Life: I love life. It is draining being around people who don't. And I have been around so many people who are miserable for so many years. It is amazing how quickly my whole outlook on life changed once I got the toxic people out of my life. I am choosing love. I want to celebrate every day. I want to express gratitude. I want personal growth. I have so much to live for!
Love: I got the best kid that ever lived anywhere in any time. He is amazing. I have a lot of people who choose to love me, not because our DNA is similar, but because they want to. What can compare to that? As far as romance, I think my failed marriage taught me that although I know I deserve someone amazing, I have a bad habit of making excuses for people so that they don't give me what I need. My standards are pretty high at this point. I won't settle again. But I'm more healthy about relationships than I was before I got married, so that is pretty awesome. I choose to make love the driving force behind everything I do. I chose to love, and I choose to be loved. No one has to love me. But if you don't, please get out of the way, or you will be knocked down. I am, for the first time in so long I can't remember, ME. The me I used to be. The me that makes people want to be around and have fun. I like it.
Thanks to all who loved me even when I wasn't feeling myself. I owe this happiness to your love and patience. And I can't wait to spend time with you and see how ya like me now!!!
Monday, July 5, 2010
finally!
Man, the first half of this year was about as challenging as I could have imagined! But it was worth it, because I am at peace and now more happy and more myself than I have felt in years!!
Betrayal is an evil, life-draining emotion. It hurts. But by taking control of the end result, and deciding not to give my energy to people who are capable of betrayal has been the best thing I could do for myself. I will no longer be tolerant of toxic relationships. I will no longer give my energy and soul to those who do not reciprocate. I will honor myself by surrounding my life with people who emulate the kind of love I am!
So I'm back on the path. As I approach 40, I am determined to make it my new 20. I am going to have fun on the way. I'm going to learn, and enjoy being the person I am, instead of feeling bad for not being what someone else thinks I should be. I am going to honor and cherish my child, and teach him by example that he is amazing and deserves to be treated with unconditional love and respect. Funny how EVERYWHERE we go he gets complimented for his brilliance and good behavior, except when you would most expect it (around our family). I will no longer succumb to that - he deserves better.
I am so grateful for what I have. I am grateful for who I am. I can control my own destiny. If I am lonely, then I need to go make new friends. If I want to go somewhere, I need to figure out how to do it and make a plan for it to happen. If I want to learn something new, I need to use the resources available to me. I truly feel alive for the first time in many years. It is a relief, and it is wonderful.
Thanks to the universe for giving me the love and tools I need. Thanks to those who are a part of my life for never giving up on me even when I have given up on myself. Thanks to my son for being the most amazing child a mother could ever have. Thanks to those who have wronged me for serving as a reminder of what I do not want and cannot have in my life. Thanks to love, and light and laughter.
Whew! I am so happy!
Betrayal is an evil, life-draining emotion. It hurts. But by taking control of the end result, and deciding not to give my energy to people who are capable of betrayal has been the best thing I could do for myself. I will no longer be tolerant of toxic relationships. I will no longer give my energy and soul to those who do not reciprocate. I will honor myself by surrounding my life with people who emulate the kind of love I am!
So I'm back on the path. As I approach 40, I am determined to make it my new 20. I am going to have fun on the way. I'm going to learn, and enjoy being the person I am, instead of feeling bad for not being what someone else thinks I should be. I am going to honor and cherish my child, and teach him by example that he is amazing and deserves to be treated with unconditional love and respect. Funny how EVERYWHERE we go he gets complimented for his brilliance and good behavior, except when you would most expect it (around our family). I will no longer succumb to that - he deserves better.
I am so grateful for what I have. I am grateful for who I am. I can control my own destiny. If I am lonely, then I need to go make new friends. If I want to go somewhere, I need to figure out how to do it and make a plan for it to happen. If I want to learn something new, I need to use the resources available to me. I truly feel alive for the first time in many years. It is a relief, and it is wonderful.
Thanks to the universe for giving me the love and tools I need. Thanks to those who are a part of my life for never giving up on me even when I have given up on myself. Thanks to my son for being the most amazing child a mother could ever have. Thanks to those who have wronged me for serving as a reminder of what I do not want and cannot have in my life. Thanks to love, and light and laughter.
Whew! I am so happy!
Thursday, June 3, 2010
I don't know where to turn anymore. I sometimes want to laugh about it, but I mostly want to cry. And I do. Every night.
I don't know where it went all wrong. Or what I did to deserve this.
And I don't know how to fix it.
Am I really so awful?
I'm blessed with an amazing child who is heading down the same path. And I know he doesn't deserve it. But unfortunately, he's stuck with the parent he got. Not fair to him. Not his fault.
But I'm so alone. Sure, i have people that care about me. People that love me, even. People that intend to be there. But no one to talk to. No one calls. No one has time. No one understands. No one wants to think about how it really is. No one knows. And that's okay - it isn't anyone's responsibility. I created this reality, somehow. It's my mess. I will have to deal with it.
But it hurts.
And it hurts when people say it will get better, because some of it never has gotten better over my whole life. And it hurts when people say I deserve more. Because deserving or not, there isn't more. This is it. And it hurts when people say they are there. Because they aren't. I think they mean to, but they can't be. And there is no bitterness about it. No one owes me anything. But it doesn't stop the pain.
I am alone. I don't have the "blood-is-thicker-than-water" that many people have. And I don't have the friendships I used to. That is partly my fault. I made bad choices, gave my energy to people who didn't deserve it. And life has brought much change to everyone. That is the cycle of life.
My family is my son. And that is not fair to him. Not right that he has a parent who is dependent on him for the entire connection I have to something besides self. He deserves more than that.
But I'm so alone. And it hurts so bad. And I don't know if I even want it to stop, because at least it's something. It's something that is mine. I have never been so desperate to have walls around me keeping everyone and everything out. I don't want anyone to come in, because they will only go away. I don't know why, but that is my destiny. That is my reality.
I'm not afraid, not anymore. I am weak, and nothing seems easy to me anymore. But it doesn't scare me. It just hurts. So bad that I can't see beauty like I used to, or like I should. I can't see my blessings beyond the never-ending stream of tears. I cant' make myself do what needs to be done, because it only reminds me how much I can't get done, how much I fail. I'm not afraid, but I'm so alone.
And I don't even know if I want that to change.
I know only that I want more for my son. I am petrified that even as young as he is, he is picking up on my anxiety and neurosis. He worries about things he shouldn't, because I fail in my job to keep such things from his ears and mind. I'm failing him.
So, maybe I am afraid, but only of the harm I am doing to that precious, amazing, and miraculous boy, who looks to me for everything, and gets but a tiny fraction of what he deserves.
I don't know where it went all wrong. Or what I did to deserve this.
And I don't know how to fix it.
Am I really so awful?
I'm blessed with an amazing child who is heading down the same path. And I know he doesn't deserve it. But unfortunately, he's stuck with the parent he got. Not fair to him. Not his fault.
But I'm so alone. Sure, i have people that care about me. People that love me, even. People that intend to be there. But no one to talk to. No one calls. No one has time. No one understands. No one wants to think about how it really is. No one knows. And that's okay - it isn't anyone's responsibility. I created this reality, somehow. It's my mess. I will have to deal with it.
But it hurts.
And it hurts when people say it will get better, because some of it never has gotten better over my whole life. And it hurts when people say I deserve more. Because deserving or not, there isn't more. This is it. And it hurts when people say they are there. Because they aren't. I think they mean to, but they can't be. And there is no bitterness about it. No one owes me anything. But it doesn't stop the pain.
I am alone. I don't have the "blood-is-thicker-than-water" that many people have. And I don't have the friendships I used to. That is partly my fault. I made bad choices, gave my energy to people who didn't deserve it. And life has brought much change to everyone. That is the cycle of life.
My family is my son. And that is not fair to him. Not right that he has a parent who is dependent on him for the entire connection I have to something besides self. He deserves more than that.
But I'm so alone. And it hurts so bad. And I don't know if I even want it to stop, because at least it's something. It's something that is mine. I have never been so desperate to have walls around me keeping everyone and everything out. I don't want anyone to come in, because they will only go away. I don't know why, but that is my destiny. That is my reality.
I'm not afraid, not anymore. I am weak, and nothing seems easy to me anymore. But it doesn't scare me. It just hurts. So bad that I can't see beauty like I used to, or like I should. I can't see my blessings beyond the never-ending stream of tears. I cant' make myself do what needs to be done, because it only reminds me how much I can't get done, how much I fail. I'm not afraid, but I'm so alone.
And I don't even know if I want that to change.
I know only that I want more for my son. I am petrified that even as young as he is, he is picking up on my anxiety and neurosis. He worries about things he shouldn't, because I fail in my job to keep such things from his ears and mind. I'm failing him.
So, maybe I am afraid, but only of the harm I am doing to that precious, amazing, and miraculous boy, who looks to me for everything, and gets but a tiny fraction of what he deserves.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)