Gearing Up

So, once again, the universe is looking out. Maybe in a way that is altogether petrifying, as it basically takes my most outrageous dares and challenges me. What, you say? No matter, I write cryptically when I don't really want anyone but me to know what is going on. I am writing this post to officially declare my intent to use this blog. However, in the spirit of the universe giving me everything I NEED (although not maybe everything I want), I need some major structure to get healthy, and so I think I will try to utilize this tool to help me to that end. It is going to be an extremely challenging semester, taking more classes than I have for some time, potentially moving, and dedicating actual time to better myself. But I supposedly deserve it, right? Even I know that in a month I will feel like I do, but am not quite there yet. However, I am in much better shape than I was at this time a year ago, or at least am thinking clearer. Had some fun lately, which served to remind me that I am still in there, somewhere. Time to resurface. It's going down!

School!

Well, just read my last post, sounds pretty depressing. Feeling a bit stronger as of late. I get to register for school in a couple weeks. Gonna be a busy semester, but will be so worth it. I found out today that I am eligible for a small grant, and was also offered a stafford loan. Although I have not accepted loans in the past, I think I will do it just this semester so I can get my car stuff straightened out and be back on the road. So i can actually get to school in January, which I am living for at the moment! I miss it so much! What a nerd I am!

What else?

Bad time in life for Joan right now. I don't know that I have ever felt so alone. I just can't pull everything together for everyone, so for now I have to focus on me so that I can continue to do what I need to the most, which is being Julian's mom. So even though I feel pretty much alone in the world, am separating from Dayn, have no means of transportation, can't go to school, have almost no friends anymore, and am entering my winter blues, I have to find strength somewhere. Tall order. I know I'll make it through, just a really frightening prospect at the moment. I am begging the universe - please, don't give me any more to deal with. I just can't take it.

I miss school!

So, I wasn't able to go to school this semester for financial reasons. Stupid money should not get in the way of my education, but it does. And I miss it so bad! I think overall I am good at being a student, as long as I am serious about what I want to do. And it is so stupid that I couldn't buckle down before! Sometimes I wonder why I haven't been able to focus more. Seems like I have wasted so much time! But, I guess all that really matters is that I am serious this time, and doing well. I am hoping to take three classes in January. It would be great if i could work it out so I could take two online classes and one in person (which will be math, duh!). That is my current goal.

A trail basis...

So, I need something new to keep myself encouraged. I think I'll use this blog as a way to keep myself in check and on track.

Feeling strong emotionally. Not sure I'm in what I would call a healthy place, but it is a survival place, and that is good enough for now. More to come.

Summa' Time!

Holy moley, I think I made it. I think winter is gone, and it is summer. Thank Baby Jesus. I think I will survive after all. Spent all weekend outside. Oh yeah.

tag!

I am- fortunate. Very loved, very grateful.
I want- to graduate from college.
I have- a very loving and adoring husband.
I miss- my sisters. They know who they are.
I fear- spiders. Eew.
I hear- my son early every morning.
I search- my son's face to see what really matters in life.
I wonder- what if.....
I regret- only how I treated my siblings when I was young. I'm sorry - I didn't know any better. I would take it back if I could.
I love-
I forgive- if I am asked to. Forgetting is much harder.
I ache- . I am old. Seriously, it sucks.
I always- procrastinate.
I try-
I seem- bitchy sometimes, because I am. Sometimes.
I know- who I am, but it's harder to practice than to preach.
I feel- like no one will ever really understand me. I just don't fit in.
I dance- as often as I can, which is not enough.
I dream- about living in Italy at some point in my life.
I give- up on these surveys. Too hard for me to answer.
I listen- to everything around me.
I sing- all the time, but I don't think what I do is really singing.
I laugh- but wish I did so a hundred times more!
I can't - believe I couldn't get tickets to the Doors documentary. Oh, man!
I cry- over so many things. Happy and sad.
I sleep- crapily. Never enough. And I wake up to pee a lot.
I am- working on taking care of me.
I see- that it is nearly dinner time.
I need- to go make it!

January

Well, hopefully things are looking up.
I am ready for school, anyway. Looking forward to it, really. Got me a parking pass and my books and my first installment payment processed. Check.

Writing will be a breeze. Hell, it is the one class I do better in when I am inebriated, and since I will be taking it online, consider it aced.

Math, ugh. Three hours and fifty minutes as the start to my weekend. It was either than or four days a week, and I refuse to commit that much to math. I do have commitment issues, I am told. I am counting on having an instructor who wants out of there as badly as the students will. Karma, I love you. Evolu-hoo!

I am going to Burning Man 2009. Evolution is the theme, and I plan on living and breathing that as my mantra. Evolve. At this point it is not in the plans for Dayn to go. I am hoping that Alyce will feel the pull to the playa this year. Evolution.

I am pushing my own foolish, self-imposed boundaries a bit. Scary; a bit forced. But I am doing it. Evol-who?

Still sad. But it's just from my SAD. And I'm working on it....

This year is about me, and f%#@ those toxic people who would drain my very joy from my soul. I will work on spending the time I usually give them on me, and let's see where that gets me!