So much that I could say about the last two years since I wrote a post. So much, and yet words fail me. When I was trying to think back to what I last remember writing here, I remembered a lot of darkness. I was surprised that my last few posts were more optimistic than I remembered, but I didn't remember writing posts after moving to Holladay.
As I glanced back over my last post, the one about not wanting to wait to see what the future brings, it reminds me of how much life changes with each passing year. I've noticed that I've become less and less tolerant of negativity, and with the sad exception of familial relations, I'm glad that I'm in a place of not having much of it in my relationships. I would have to say that the majority of my negativity comes from the daunting task of being a mother, and the natural biproduct of being required to be a nag in that role. To be completely frank, I hate that and I've had to accept that in that regard, I was in no way cut out for parenting. It's the bane of my existence - the fighting, bickering and impatience that I experience as a mom. There is a lot of shame involved for my inability to be stronger.
This mortal life is passing so quickly, and I still struggle with the out of control feeling that comes with not being certain that I will have the things in life that I want to experience. But I've learned so much over the last couple of years. I've learned that I do indeed believe in God - not just the nameless higher power I used to try to explain. That revelation came courtesy of the friend whom was mentioned in some of my last blog posts. I've learned that I have some incredible powers - not only the power to manifest that which I need, but to manifest that which I want. I acknowledge and give much gratitude for this power, which I like to think is really just God answering my prayers. The way in which the things I manifest come to me are sometimes unexpected, but they seem to come quickly in correlation to my awareness and acknowledgement of them. I never cease to express my gratitude for these gifts.
However, I've learned recently that I can even manifest things that I may never have fully acknowledged as wants or needs. In fact, some of the prayers that have been answered were buried so deeply within that it wasn't until after they blessed my life that I understood that they were prayers.
I've made some monumental mistakes that really have made me question if I am at all a good person. I am ashamed of some of the choices I made and of the disregard for others I've had at times. I will probably never be able to fully make recompense, and will always carry around remorse for those decisions and for hurting anyone.
For the first time in my life, I am truly unafraid. I know I said in an earlier post that I wasn't - and it was true. I wasn't afraid of what I had in my life at that time. But I didn't realize how afraid I was to let things that were amazing happen to me. I didn't realize that I was still afraid of surrender and of believing that I was worthy of happiness.
In some aspects, I've gone from famine to feast. I've had almost too much of some things for which I used to yearn so badly that I felt physical pain in my heart.
As I write this, I'm in a place of peace and love. I'm in a place of introspection and growth. I've been working toward holistic health and being in the best shape of my life by the time I turn 40. For the first time in my life, I can say with a great deal of certainty that the best is yet to come. I have had some amazing opportunities come to my life, and I am making every effort to seize them and make them reality. I have been truly blessed. I have been given the gift of being able to learn something from every experience, which makes every precious moment of this existence invaluable. I'm hopeful and happy.
As I glanced back over my last post, the one about not wanting to wait to see what the future brings, it reminds me of how much life changes with each passing year. I've noticed that I've become less and less tolerant of negativity, and with the sad exception of familial relations, I'm glad that I'm in a place of not having much of it in my relationships. I would have to say that the majority of my negativity comes from the daunting task of being a mother, and the natural biproduct of being required to be a nag in that role. To be completely frank, I hate that and I've had to accept that in that regard, I was in no way cut out for parenting. It's the bane of my existence - the fighting, bickering and impatience that I experience as a mom. There is a lot of shame involved for my inability to be stronger.
This mortal life is passing so quickly, and I still struggle with the out of control feeling that comes with not being certain that I will have the things in life that I want to experience. But I've learned so much over the last couple of years. I've learned that I do indeed believe in God - not just the nameless higher power I used to try to explain. That revelation came courtesy of the friend whom was mentioned in some of my last blog posts. I've learned that I have some incredible powers - not only the power to manifest that which I need, but to manifest that which I want. I acknowledge and give much gratitude for this power, which I like to think is really just God answering my prayers. The way in which the things I manifest come to me are sometimes unexpected, but they seem to come quickly in correlation to my awareness and acknowledgement of them. I never cease to express my gratitude for these gifts.
However, I've learned recently that I can even manifest things that I may never have fully acknowledged as wants or needs. In fact, some of the prayers that have been answered were buried so deeply within that it wasn't until after they blessed my life that I understood that they were prayers.
I've made some monumental mistakes that really have made me question if I am at all a good person. I am ashamed of some of the choices I made and of the disregard for others I've had at times. I will probably never be able to fully make recompense, and will always carry around remorse for those decisions and for hurting anyone.
For the first time in my life, I am truly unafraid. I know I said in an earlier post that I wasn't - and it was true. I wasn't afraid of what I had in my life at that time. But I didn't realize how afraid I was to let things that were amazing happen to me. I didn't realize that I was still afraid of surrender and of believing that I was worthy of happiness.
In some aspects, I've gone from famine to feast. I've had almost too much of some things for which I used to yearn so badly that I felt physical pain in my heart.
As I write this, I'm in a place of peace and love. I'm in a place of introspection and growth. I've been working toward holistic health and being in the best shape of my life by the time I turn 40. For the first time in my life, I can say with a great deal of certainty that the best is yet to come. I have had some amazing opportunities come to my life, and I am making every effort to seize them and make them reality. I have been truly blessed. I have been given the gift of being able to learn something from every experience, which makes every precious moment of this existence invaluable. I'm hopeful and happy.
