To my friends

I hope my post yesterday did not imply that I do not have other amazing, loving and wonderful friends. I am so blessed with how much love I have in my life. I was just caught off guard by being sought out by someone of whom I have thought of many times in the recent years past. I guess I tend to think that some people don't feel that I am as important to them as they are to me. And in a time when I have been struggling to find the balance between feeling lonely, abandoned and unworthy of friends (even though I am the one that pushes people away, usually) and figuring out what I want my "social life" to look like, it felt really good to know that someone cared enough to put effort into finding me. I think that is the single most flattering compliment I can receive - the gift of someone's time and energy. So this meant a lot to me. Not only that, but there were things said - really sweet, but genuine things - that could only be said by this person, because the nature of our friendship is such that it doesn't feel like sweet talk or flattery. There is no hidden agenda, but the words are some that any person would want to hear.

I was also blown away about the process that led to this connection, and how spiritual it was for me, because (to me), it validated my own personal beliefs about spirituality, a "greater power", and the great unconscious energy that binds us all. It is really complicated for me to try to explain my beliefs, and so it is really powerful for me to have an experience that manifests my belief system.

But, as I read my post today, it struck me that I seemed overly enthusiastic about this connection. I don't mean anyone any offense. This is a very unique relationship for me, because it comes very naturally and easily. And it is a connection with a male, which have historically been my biggest connections (it is only in the very recent past that I maintained friendships with women - they are difficult for me). This relationship is not one that has ever had drama or misunderstandings or unrealistic expectations. But mostly, it just blew me away and made me feel amazing to know that this person actually missed me and had put time and energy (many times, just as I had done) to find me. It is the kind of reciprocity that is at the heart of meaningful relationships, but to have it appear after so long just made it that much more powerful and overwhelming.

Thank you to all my friends (even though only two of you are reading this!) for all your love and support and energy and time. It means the world to me. I don't know where I would have ended up this year without that love. It has been a trying year for sure, but is leading to a renewal of my love affair with me, and when that relationship is strong, so are all my others.

Love,
Joan