I don't know where to turn anymore. I sometimes want to laugh about it, but I mostly want to cry. And I do. Every night.

I don't know where it went all wrong. Or what I did to deserve this.

And I don't know how to fix it.

Am I really so awful?

I'm blessed with an amazing child who is heading down the same path. And I know he doesn't deserve it. But unfortunately, he's stuck with the parent he got. Not fair to him. Not his fault.

But I'm so alone. Sure, i have people that care about me. People that love me, even. People that intend to be there. But no one to talk to. No one calls. No one has time. No one understands. No one wants to think about how it really is. No one knows. And that's okay - it isn't anyone's responsibility. I created this reality, somehow. It's my mess. I will have to deal with it.

But it hurts.

And it hurts when people say it will get better, because some of it never has gotten better over my whole life. And it hurts when people say I deserve more. Because deserving or not, there isn't more. This is it. And it hurts when people say they are there. Because they aren't. I think they mean to, but they can't be. And there is no bitterness about it. No one owes me anything. But it doesn't stop the pain.

I am alone. I don't have the "blood-is-thicker-than-water" that many people have. And I don't have the friendships I used to. That is partly my fault. I made bad choices, gave my energy to people who didn't deserve it. And life has brought much change to everyone. That is the cycle of life.

My family is my son. And that is not fair to him. Not right that he has a parent who is dependent on him for the entire connection I have to something besides self. He deserves more than that.

But I'm so alone. And it hurts so bad. And I don't know if I even want it to stop, because at least it's something. It's something that is mine. I have never been so desperate to have walls around me keeping everyone and everything out. I don't want anyone to come in, because they will only go away. I don't know why, but that is my destiny. That is my reality.

I'm not afraid, not anymore. I am weak, and nothing seems easy to me anymore. But it doesn't scare me. It just hurts. So bad that I can't see beauty like I used to, or like I should. I can't see my blessings beyond the never-ending stream of tears. I cant' make myself do what needs to be done, because it only reminds me how much I can't get done, how much I fail. I'm not afraid, but I'm so alone.

And I don't even know if I want that to change.

I know only that I want more for my son. I am petrified that even as young as he is, he is picking up on my anxiety and neurosis. He worries about things he shouldn't, because I fail in my job to keep such things from his ears and mind. I'm failing him.

So, maybe I am afraid, but only of the harm I am doing to that precious, amazing, and miraculous boy, who looks to me for everything, and gets but a tiny fraction of what he deserves.

Gearing Up

So, once again, the universe is looking out. Maybe in a way that is altogether petrifying, as it basically takes my most outrageous dares and challenges me. What, you say? No matter, I write cryptically when I don't really want anyone but me to know what is going on. I am writing this post to officially declare my intent to use this blog. However, in the spirit of the universe giving me everything I NEED (although not maybe everything I want), I need some major structure to get healthy, and so I think I will try to utilize this tool to help me to that end. It is going to be an extremely challenging semester, taking more classes than I have for some time, potentially moving, and dedicating actual time to better myself. But I supposedly deserve it, right? Even I know that in a month I will feel like I do, but am not quite there yet. However, I am in much better shape than I was at this time a year ago, or at least am thinking clearer. Had some fun lately, which served to remind me that I am still in there, somewhere. Time to resurface. It's going down!

School!

Well, just read my last post, sounds pretty depressing. Feeling a bit stronger as of late. I get to register for school in a couple weeks. Gonna be a busy semester, but will be so worth it. I found out today that I am eligible for a small grant, and was also offered a stafford loan. Although I have not accepted loans in the past, I think I will do it just this semester so I can get my car stuff straightened out and be back on the road. So i can actually get to school in January, which I am living for at the moment! I miss it so much! What a nerd I am!

What else?

Bad time in life for Joan right now. I don't know that I have ever felt so alone. I just can't pull everything together for everyone, so for now I have to focus on me so that I can continue to do what I need to the most, which is being Julian's mom. So even though I feel pretty much alone in the world, am separating from Dayn, have no means of transportation, can't go to school, have almost no friends anymore, and am entering my winter blues, I have to find strength somewhere. Tall order. I know I'll make it through, just a really frightening prospect at the moment. I am begging the universe - please, don't give me any more to deal with. I just can't take it.

I miss school!

So, I wasn't able to go to school this semester for financial reasons. Stupid money should not get in the way of my education, but it does. And I miss it so bad! I think overall I am good at being a student, as long as I am serious about what I want to do. And it is so stupid that I couldn't buckle down before! Sometimes I wonder why I haven't been able to focus more. Seems like I have wasted so much time! But, I guess all that really matters is that I am serious this time, and doing well. I am hoping to take three classes in January. It would be great if i could work it out so I could take two online classes and one in person (which will be math, duh!). That is my current goal.

A trail basis...

So, I need something new to keep myself encouraged. I think I'll use this blog as a way to keep myself in check and on track.

Feeling strong emotionally. Not sure I'm in what I would call a healthy place, but it is a survival place, and that is good enough for now. More to come.

Summa' Time!

Holy moley, I think I made it. I think winter is gone, and it is summer. Thank Baby Jesus. I think I will survive after all. Spent all weekend outside. Oh yeah.

tag!

I am- fortunate. Very loved, very grateful.
I want- to graduate from college.
I have- a very loving and adoring husband.
I miss- my sisters. They know who they are.
I fear- spiders. Eew.
I hear- my son early every morning.
I search- my son's face to see what really matters in life.
I wonder- what if.....
I regret- only how I treated my siblings when I was young. I'm sorry - I didn't know any better. I would take it back if I could.
I love-
I forgive- if I am asked to. Forgetting is much harder.
I ache- . I am old. Seriously, it sucks.
I always- procrastinate.
I try-
I seem- bitchy sometimes, because I am. Sometimes.
I know- who I am, but it's harder to practice than to preach.
I feel- like no one will ever really understand me. I just don't fit in.
I dance- as often as I can, which is not enough.
I dream- about living in Italy at some point in my life.
I give- up on these surveys. Too hard for me to answer.
I listen- to everything around me.
I sing- all the time, but I don't think what I do is really singing.
I laugh- but wish I did so a hundred times more!
I can't - believe I couldn't get tickets to the Doors documentary. Oh, man!
I cry- over so many things. Happy and sad.
I sleep- crapily. Never enough. And I wake up to pee a lot.
I am- working on taking care of me.
I see- that it is nearly dinner time.
I need- to go make it!

January

Well, hopefully things are looking up.
I am ready for school, anyway. Looking forward to it, really. Got me a parking pass and my books and my first installment payment processed. Check.

Writing will be a breeze. Hell, it is the one class I do better in when I am inebriated, and since I will be taking it online, consider it aced.

Math, ugh. Three hours and fifty minutes as the start to my weekend. It was either than or four days a week, and I refuse to commit that much to math. I do have commitment issues, I am told. I am counting on having an instructor who wants out of there as badly as the students will. Karma, I love you. Evolu-hoo!

I am going to Burning Man 2009. Evolution is the theme, and I plan on living and breathing that as my mantra. Evolve. At this point it is not in the plans for Dayn to go. I am hoping that Alyce will feel the pull to the playa this year. Evolution.

I am pushing my own foolish, self-imposed boundaries a bit. Scary; a bit forced. But I am doing it. Evol-who?

Still sad. But it's just from my SAD. And I'm working on it....

This year is about me, and f%#@ those toxic people who would drain my very joy from my soul. I will work on spending the time I usually give them on me, and let's see where that gets me!

Sadness

Today is a sad day. Been driving me nuts all day. I can't figure out why. I know in my mind that this is the SAD, but my over-analytical side can't accept that I just AM sad. So I keep searching (to no avail) for a reason, some underlying cause. Alas, there is none. I am just sad.

Holidaze, Part 2

So, my baking party was a flop. It snowed, so no one except Jo came. Figures - no snow all year then it has to dump today. Now I have a TON of baking supplies, and not enough time or hands to bake it all! It was nice though, - Tim and Julian decorated a gingerbread house and everyone took turns pressing the Christmas trees and decorating them. I think that is all I will get baked today - kind of lost the enthusiasm after getting everything ready this morning and then having it flop. Darn weather! I need to get out of this stupid state. Had a lot of fun with Jo - I am very thankful to her this week for she has been attuned to my doldrums and has helped me feel a LOT better this week. We had some laughs (and drinks!) for a few hours, and I feel happy now. I think I can deal with Dayn's family stuff the rest of this weekend now.

Holidaze

First, a rant:
So, in my family we draw names to decide for whom we each are to buy a Christmas gift.
I got my brother, difficult. So I'm looking at sports paraphernalia for the Chicago Bears, his favorite football team, and come across an autographed football. The football, plain. The signature, Mike Ditka. I place the first and only bet in the auction with less than 15 minutes to close. I bid much higher than our dollar limit, but it seemed reasonable. I am watching the auction carefully and with one minute and twenty three seconds until it ends, I am outbid. I totally lost in and panicked. What would I get him if not this? I was already above the limit, so why shouldn't I bid higher? This is dumb, don't do it. But, the competitor in me won and I kept bidding and bidding until I won - at $23.00 higher than my original bid.
What a dumb ass! I mean, I love my brother, but he is spoiled enough. And he hurt my feelings recently. And what a dumb ass I am! I hope he likes it, anyway.

Second:
I do not like winter, and surely anyone reading this knows that. I really do not like the cold, nor the smog and dirty haze enveloping the city. I hate how everything looks lifeless and dead. It brings me down. I am trying really hard right now to stay above the pull, but it's not fun. I need to find time to take care of myself, of those things that no one else can really do except me, but I am overwhelmed by other demands on my time, and by the dang winter blues. I wish I could write about it, but alas, the writer's block seems neverending.

Back to school!

So, i took the big leap and went back to school. I am now officially a student - again. Just taking one online class, but hope to keep doing things this winter that make me feel like I am improving myself to stave off the winter doldrums that tend to consume me.

I feel so rejected!

So, my dear friend Brittany invites me to contribute to her blog, Culinary Queens in Training. I called her and told her I couldn't figure out how to contribute, and she said she would add me. Then she blogs about how no one else is blogging, but guess what? I am still not added! I tried, and even created my own blog to join hers, but no avail! Now she is camping for the weekend, and I have to wait all that time for her to get back. Then I had to post this blog so she knows she rejected me! But fear not, no one else will read this!

Don't count on it!

Okay, so here is my blog (hope you are happy, Brittany!) Just don't count on frequent updates, as I don't think I have the time and patience to do this regularly, but since I had to create a profile for the Culinary Queens in Training, I thought I would make my own blog page. But please note: I am not trendy, not cool, and will never be as awesome and blogsmart as Brittany!!! :)